"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
