i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
