In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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