tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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