I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
