Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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