finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
