I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
