The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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