just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
