THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
