ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
