Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
