What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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