I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
