I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
