Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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