Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
