so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
