He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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