I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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