I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
