My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
