Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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