enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
