You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just invented taco cereal.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
