I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize