eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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