Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
