i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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