I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
did i walk over a car last night?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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