there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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