I puked a lego.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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