worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
