I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
