His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
