went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
