you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
