I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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