My hand turned me down
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
