4 words: hood of his car
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
