Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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