while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
