I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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