My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
