we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
