Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
