eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
