i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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