I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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