just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
