can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
