I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
