I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
there is glitter all over my balls
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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