As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
