and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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