I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
