I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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