I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Did we literally take a cab across the street
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize