Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
